It’s with great sadness, yet a huge sense of relief, that I announce I won’t be taking on anymore weddings or new clients for the foreseeable future. I have 3 wonderful weddings booked for next year that will hold a special place in my heart and I will occasionally photograph past clients and their families but otherwise, I’m going to focus my energy on raising our two boys. With the years swiftly moving by, I can see how fast they’re growing up and how present I want to be.
Let me explain…
In August, I rang in my 5th year as a full-time wedding photographer. 2013 was a big year for Mike and I. We packed up our belongings to move our lives out of NYC and into Stamford so we could afford an apartment with enough space for an office on one solid income. Five years ago, I walked out of my Park Avenue office building where I worked as an accountant for a private family investment firm. I left without fear and apprehension but with loads of passion and only 2 weddings booked for the following season. Three months later, Mike and I married on the coast of Connecticut on a bitter cold sunny October day. 2013 was monumental, am I right?!
I reflected this past August thinking of all I’ve been through as a business owner and eventually a mom. I am damn proud that I met or exceeded every annual goal I set for weddings booked. I’m even more proud that my revenue hit six figures in my first wedding season as a full-time photographer booking 23 weddings after I left my job for the following 2014 season. I’ve never believed in myself more than I did during that time of growth, or perhaps that’s how I’d like to remember it.
Even back then, I knew this gig wasn’t a forever thing. I knew I loved photographing weddings and most of all photographing people in authentic settings. I knew other photography wasn’t really my thing, as convenient as it would be. I knew eventually weekends spent away from my family would eat at me and change the course of my business.
It wasn’t until my second child, Warren, was born that I felt the weight of my job on my family. It’s hard for me to enjoy my work when I feel the impact on my children and my husband. Leaving my kids at daycare with their buddies on a consistent basis is different than saying goodbye on a Saturday morning when you know you won’t be able to tuck them in at night. When you know they’re not used to being home without their mom tucking them in each and every night. Between Julian’s age (2.5) and Warren’s sweet baby giggles, it’s impacted me this season like no other. At the start of my wedding season, I’d leave in tears. Often one of the boys was sick and/or crying as I pulled out of the driveway. The guilt that weighed on my shoulders was palpable.
Mike has always been supportive of my career. We’re constantly on the same page and so it wasn’t a surprise to me that we both started feeling the burden of my career early in the season simultaneously. It’s not a romantic reason but it’s the truth. With Mike waking up at 5AM most weekdays and coming home late on others, it’s a long week to leave him on Saturdays alone with two kids to take care of on his own. It’s even more difficult without having family down the road to help. Missing friend’s weddings and barbecues eventually takes a toll too.
I’m damn proud that my husband rocks it as a father. That he is beyond capable of handling our two boys on his own and is without a doubt the best father I know. But eventually we had to weigh our options, daycare costs and my income to decide if my job even makes sense. And most importantly, if this is how we want to live our lives.
This journey scares the daylight out of me. I know how lucky I am to make this decision, which has taken us months to get to. It’s one I don’t take lightly or for granted. I don’t know if I’ll move on to a different career eventually or even return to photography down the road but for now, I’m looking forward to being present with my family while photographing the heck out of my kids, my greatest inspiration.
Some may think this post is oversharing, unnecessary or so permanent. For me, it’s a way of giving myself permission to follow my heart. To pour my soul into a new journey. I will always have my gift of photography but to witness this precious stage in my children’s lives is fleeting and I don’t want to miss it.
I will continue to post, share and blog because I will always care deeply about the couples I’ve photographed and the work I create. It’s what makes me an artist.
2019 is a big year for us and I can’t wait for it to get started. Until then, I’ll be knee deep in photos to edit and photographing the remaining families + weddings I’ve committed to, with all my heart.
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